The loss of a loved one, an important relationship, a dream, or something you deeply cherish can take you to a place of hopelessness and depression you may think will never lift. This is not an uncommon experience in the grieving process. It is inevitable that there will be times of depression after a significant loss. The sadness can be extreme as you realize your life will never be the same again. All the memories, experiences, and emotions connected to your loss can flood through your mind and contribute to the experience of hopelessness. You can begin to lose purpose. It can be difficult to find inspiration for your career, dreams, relationships, or day to day life.
You may find it difficult to get yourself motivated to do things like leaving the house, going shopping, or even getting out of bed. Regular tasks, that you didn’t even notice in the past, can become difficult and emotionally overwhelming. Days can blend together as you seem to just be surviving from moment to moment. Everything can become meaningless and irrelevant to you.
This is a very sensitive subject that not everyone is willing to admit. Especially in some social circles, depression can be regarded as a weakness, or lack of faith. As we discussed in The Loneliness of Loss blog, your friends and family may not know how to help you through this aspect of grief. It may even be a challenge for you. You may have never experienced the level of sadness and hopelessness you are now experiencing. There is not something wrong with you if you are experiencing this.
I have found that if you are willing to stay present in the depression, think your thoughts, feel your emotions, and process your hopelessness with God, you can naturally move forward and not stay stuck. You may not have the energy or motivation to do this at first. It is very helpful to be honest with yourself and others you trust and allow yourself to be comforted. If you don’t have safe people around you that can comfort and care for you, it may be helpful to find a grief group or a counselor. Allow yourself to just take the steps you can to move forward.
Times of depression are an aspect of the grieving process. It is important to remember though, the grieving process shifts, moves, and changes. It is not a consistent feeling. One of the ways to see if you are simply grieving, or if you are stuck in depression, are the emotional shifts. The depression in the grieving process does not last forever.
Being honest with yourself about how you are feeling will help you process through the grief. The unhealthy cultural expectations around us can sometimes cause us to try and deny the depression and perform for others like everything is OK. Denial is not rooted in faith. The unfortunate and misguided teachings that encourage a denial of your emotions, and the idea that you just need to have faith, are not encouraging faith. Denial is rooted in hopelessness. It is a result of not believing there can be true resolution. Encouraging this type of thinking is not healthy or helpful. Even Jesus experienced emotional sadness around death and loss.
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in His spirit and greatly troubled. And He said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. – John 11:33-35
If we look at this Scripture in context of the whole gospel message, we will see it more clearly. Jesus, the King of Kings, was already seated in heavenly realms with Lazarus, and was getting ready to raise him from the dead, when He was deeply moved, greatly troubled, and wept. If it is OK for Jesus to respond to loss in this way, I believe it is equally OK for us to respond this way.
I lived much of my life denying my emotions and stuffing them as much as I could. Instead of dealing with my pain, I tried various methods of numbing it. Of course, it never worked even though I tried to convince myself it did. I would even say things like, “deal with it,” or “get over it” when someone was actually processing their issues. I have found that people who talk like this are neither dealing with their issues nor getting over them.
I had an experience that I share in the first chapter of my Identity Restoration book. This experience ripped the lid off the emotions I had been stuffing for years, and they all came pouring out. It was overwhelming and I ended up going into a complete depression. It was miserable.
Allowing myself to be present in this depression, and process with God, changed the entire course of my life. I experienced freedom, peace, and joy in ways I never knew was possible. Freedom is available. It is possible to experience peace and joy again. It is OK that you may not be experiencing it right now. You do not need to pretend or rush the process. Back when I was stuck in hopelessness, I would get angry when people would talk about how they got free from something. I had such foundational hopelessness that I couldn’t celebrate other people’s victories. I would get jealous, bitter, envious, and angry that other people could be free, and I couldn’t. It was not a fun place to be.
It didn’t all happen at once for me. It has been many encounters, trials, challenges, and learning experiences that have contributed to the freedom I now live in. Part of that freedom is an ability to not have to perform for others. If I am in a bad place, I do not pretend I am happy just to make others more comfortable. I am also not accepting the negative emotions as a normal way of life. I live a life pursuing freedom, peace, and joy while intentionally acknowledging and processing any guilt, fear, or shame that is happening.
Although hopelessness and depression are common after a loss, they are not your new normal. They are part of the grieving process that will help get you to your new normal. There will even be random times when you trigger into them, even after you think you are doing OK. Freedom, peace, and joy is possible again. Settling into the deception that you will always be depressed is very dangerous. Even though you may think that you can’t go on, or you can’t live without; the truth is, you can. You have what it takes to get through this. The Lord is acquainted with your grief and He can comfort you in this. You may be in a place where you don’t see the hope right now, but don’t give up. Hold on, hope is possible again.
Blessings to you on your journey,
Ray