Happiness is not the first thing most people think about when thinking about grieving. With the pain, loneliness, and sadness that can result from a traumatic loss, happiness isn’t even a consideration sometimes. It is understandable that you may not even be in a place where you can consider happiness yet. That’s OK. In this blog we are going to explore the reality that happiness is possible again.
While
grieving, there is no process of trying to be happy again. We cannot
force it or rush it. We can’t make it happen on our own. Happiness is a
sense of pleasure and contentment that comes from the Lord. It will begin to
return.
Righteousness,
peace, and joy is within us. The Word tells us in Romans 14:17 that the
kingdom of God is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. In
Luke 17:21, the Lord tells us the kingdom is within us. We do not need to
seek for righteousness, peace, and joy outside of ourselves or in our
circumstances. God has imparted these realities into us through Christ,
by the power of the Holy Spirit.
The
Greek word used for joy
in Romans 14:17 is Strong's G5479 – chara.
It means gladness, cheerfulness, and calm delight. This
foundational gladness, cheerfulness, and calm delight is already in us.
Our losses cannot take that away. This is the contentment and pleasure
that is always available to us in Christ.
Even
though our losses and circumstances cannot steal the true joy and happiness
that is an aspect of our identity in Christ, it can cause us to disconnect from
that reality. The trauma of experiencing loss can shake us at the depths
of our soul. Remember, we were not created to experience loss. It is not
part of the kingdom. We will never have who or what we lost back. The loss
we experienced will always be an aspect of our lives, it just doesn’t have to
be the only aspect of our lives.
In
the beginning of the grieving process we had to remind ourselves that maybe we
could be OK again. As we process our emotions and thoughts and begin to
accept our new normal, we slowly return to a sense of being OK, and believing
we will be OK. It doesn’t mean we won’t have bad days and we will no
longer get triggered into the grief of our loss again. We just won’t get
triggered as often or as intensely.
The
intensity of grief we experience can cause a lot of confusion about our lives
and our identity. When we lose someone or something we had a deep,
intimate connection with, it can affect what we believe about our identity.
Trying to understand our identity apart from who or what we lost can be a very
painful and confusing process. As we recover from a traumatic loss, we
slowly begin to think clearly and reconnect to who we truly are.
Unfortunately,
sometimes the pain we experience can cause us to identify ourselves in the loss
itself. Others may even begin to identify us in connection to our
loss. I still remember how things changed after our home burned.
Instead of just being introduced by my friends as, “This my friend Ray,” it became,
“This is my friend Ray. He just lost his house in a fire.” At first, I
did not notice it. I was in the trauma bubble and the loss was such a
huge part of my life. Shortly after the loss, it started to become
weird. I still do not fully understand the reasoning behind this
habit. “Hello, here is my friend, and this is the latest traumatic loss
he has experienced.” It was a weird experience to be identified with my loss
that way, and it made trying to engage in normal life even more awkward.
As
tragic as loss can be, it does not establish or change our identity. One
of the key aspects of being able to be happy again after a loss is getting to
know ourselves for who we truly are, separate from our loss. We are who
we are, with or without who or what we lost. A deep, meaningful aspect of
our lives is gone, but we are not!
Yes,
it is possible to be happy again. As we process our grief, we will
reconnect with the truth of who we are and begin to experience life
again. The joy and peace that is a natural state of our identity in
Christ is unshakable. We can never lose these. As we reconnect with
our true selves, we will begin to reconnect with things that brought us
happiness before our loss. This is sometimes a slow and uncomfortable process,
but it can and does happen. There is no proper timeline for this.
We all need to process how we process, and reconnect to our joy and peace as we
can. Allow yourself the grace and time you need.
Sometimes,
as we begin to experience happiness and contentment again, a feeling of guilt
can happen. A common lie that my clients experience is that it is somehow
disrespectful, dishonoring, or uncaring to be happy after a loss. Being
happy is not disrespectful or uncaring to someone you lost. It doesn’t mean
that you haven’t been deeply impacted by their absence. This can be tough as
you start experiencing joy and happiness again. It can feel strange to
sense your heart moving forward without them, and you may find yourself
resisting this at first. Returning to your true nature in Christ, after a loss,
is not dishonoring to the memory of who or what you lost.
As
we move through the shock and fog of loss and begin to think clearly again, we
can reconnect to all the aspects and qualities we loved about who or what we
lost. It will allow us to enjoy our memories and celebrate all the good
and wonderful things we once had before our loss. This does not happen
smoothly, easily, or quickly. This is a messy process where we can go
from happiness to sadness, to joy, to guilt, to loneliness, and back to
happiness again, and again. This is an emotional experience we looked at
in The Emotional Roller Coaster Ride of Grief
blog.
Continually
facing our pain, emotions, and thoughts in our grief can be hard work.
Thankfully in Colossians 1:11 the Lord tells us we have been strengthened with
all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with
joy. Having the ability to persevere through grief does not come from our
own strength and willpower. Our ability to endure through the grief and
experience joy again is through the strength and power that God has given
us. You can do this; you can experience happiness and joy again.
You can have fun again. You can live and enjoy your life again. And if
that’s not where you are today, it’s OK.
If
you feel safe and emotionally ready, try this exercise. Take a moment and let yourself relax, breathe,
and connect to the presence of the Lord.
When you feel His comfort and presence, ask the Lord to highlight an aspect
or memory of who or what you lost that will bless you and bring joy. Let
yourself experience the good feelings that helped you to love and appreciate who
or what you lost. Take your time and
enjoy all the good things as much as you can.
Remember to stay aware of the presence of God and let Him comfort and
guide you. It is OK if this also stirs
up emotions of grief. Celebrate what you
can and process what you need to.
May
the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the
power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
– Romans 15:13
Blessings,
Ray